what is ‘parts work’ and why do I talk about it so much?
Let me start with a disclaimer - I’m not a licensed therapist. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade, and I love to read self-help, but as a disclaimer: this is NOT mental health advice and I am not the authority on this. However, since it’s something I bring up at least once a day, I wanted to do a little dive into what it means to me.
Parts work can also be called Internal Family Systems, and I’m going to give a very watered down version here, so feel free to find other, deeper resources if it resonates!
In my practice, parts work is entirely about finding out where big feelings and responses are coming from, and creating space for them. It’s like a quantum way of jumping around the timeline; bringing healing to something that happened in the past, which creates healing in the now.
It looks like this: When I notice something is bothering me, or when I have a bigger reaction than I expect, I start with a few deep breaths, and close my eyes. And then, I ask, “Who is the one having this feeling?” and wait patiently for a part to appear. This is the key: the you that is offering this part space, the Self in the present moment, has to be judgment free. This Self exists only as an entity of love; all that it wants is to allow this part the floor and to offer it softness.
Sometimes the parts will come forward immediately, will trust you and tell you everything - and sometimes not. Some parts will hide, or argue, or cry, and all of that is perfectly fine. I like to try and meet with those parts every few days when I can, just taking thirty seconds to pause and say, “Hey, when you’re ready, I’m here, and it’s safe.” Eventually, they’ll open the door.
How I handle the conversation depends on the part; I always trust my instincts. As long as I’m meeting them from a place of love, I can’t mess this up. So I get to be curious about why they feel the way they feel, why they’re reacting the way they are, and explore what it is they’re wanting. Maybe it’s just to be seen and heard, maybe it’s an action, or dedicated time, or space on my altar. It’s always a little different, but most of the time, the magic is in the active listening.
My favorite thing about this practice is that it allows me so much grace with myself. As someone who’s struggled with self worth most of my life, it’s extremely helpful to be able to put just enough distance between me and my reactions that I can meet them with love and kindness, rather than feeling bad about myself. And in that process, I’ve gotten kinder and kinder to myself; I treat present-me as a future part, and I’m able to bring so much more self love and care into the now.
If you’re looking for a new self-regulation tool, or just a way to create healing in small yet impactful ways, I seriously recommend this practice.
(As a sidenote, there are pieces to this work that I haven’t mentioned at all, such as firefighters and managers and the actual systems of the internal family systems; again, if you’re called to dive in even deeper, I’d start there!)
